Celebrating 2020 in Houston was a much needed end to 2019. After an absolute whirlwind of moving apartments, having sex in a backseat with a preacher, and battling an ex over Instagram, 2020 started a clean slate.

Cutting out magazines for my vision board, I was shook that marriage, homeownership, and children finally crossed my mind.

At 32, my life was a complete 180° than what I previously envisioned for myself.

But, in a good way.

Realizing that the next step to a better life required professional expertise, I booked a therapy session with a black woman therapist and hoped for the best.

Starting therapy meant healing from past traumas and related drama.

On a chilly January afternoon, I walked through quaint, downtown Decatur to my first session.

Afraid.

Anxious to confront some demons I allowed in my life because it was easier to deal with the devils I know.

In tears, I walked into her office and cried for fifty minutes straight.

Things I hadn’t told anyone, I told my therapist; as she wrote things down and handed me Kleenex®.

With the aroma of a citrus candle burning in the corner of her office, I knew I was where I was supposed to be and a weight lifted from my shoulders.

A procession of guilt left my body as each tear descended down my round, red cheeks.

With a scheduled appointment two weeks later, I left with a renewed faith in myself and in a life that now seemed attainable.

Two weeks flew by and I launched Strip Jenga. While receiving instant laughs from friends, I was surprised with a DM.

From Ring Pop Guy.

Because Ring Pop Guy and my first Bumble date were friends, he let me know that he already knew about the situation.

RPG: He mentioned he went on a bumble date with someone who knew me and when my name was brought up, you made a look. I initially didn’t know it was you because he said you were from Portsmouth.
Me: Ahhhhhh lmao
RPG: Once I realized it was you, I told him that whatever he was looking for [with you] was most likely not going to happen. But, I’m also not the type to say some shit like, “she ain’t finna fuck with you because of me.”

And he was correct.

Shooting my shot once again, I flirted but wanted to confirm that he had a girlfriend.

Me: I think you have a girlfriend so I’m trying not to be disrespectful.
RPG: I do have one.

Well, OK.

Me: Again, appreciate you for being cool about all of this. I know you did not sign up for this shit.
RPG: These are good reads. You’re good at this.

And he was good at reeling me back in.

I headed to El Bar later that night; ready to drink coronitas and dance to music I hadn’t heard since undergrad.

Surprisingly, Ring Pop Guy Facetimed me and asked where I was.

Shocked, I told him El Bar and he said, “Bet, I’ll see you soon.”

Seconds later, he shared his location and said he’ll see me in 15 minutes.

Head tilted and mind wandering, I prepped my friends and let them know I was going home with him tonight.

Twenty minutes later, I spotted his beautiful smile and we made our way to the bar and took a shot of Jameson.

The DJ started playing Go-Go music and if I ever needed a sign to be on some bullshit, that was it.

Sexy Lady blared through the crowded bar as we danced, and I was overcome with emotions that I resented for over a year.

Me: What are we doing? You have a girlfriend.
RPG: Does that make you feel better? Saying that?
Me: Saying what?
RPG: We both know I have a girlfriend. We also have some unfinished business, correct?

Blinks twice.

Me: You wanna leave now?

I finished my drink and told my friends, “Gotta blast!”. As they laughed, I walked out, got in the car, and drove to his house.

We parked and jokingly held hands, as if this night was something more than what we both knew it wasn’t.

He opened his apartment door and memories of him cooking for me, us singing Toni Braxton, and him kissing my neck entered my mind.

We went into his room, I took off my glasses, and we started kissing.

And the spirit of his girlfriend came over me.

The memories of being cheated on in past relationships began to haunt me. The voice inside of me who knew I deserved more screamed.

I finally listened.

Me: Do you love her?
RPG: My girlfriend? Yeah. But the real question is, ‘Am I happy?’

I kissed him and savored the moment, as I knew this was going to be the last time this ever happened.

We kissed once more as we said our goodbyes.

Wrong time to be self-aware, but better late than never.

As I drove home, I touched my face and realized I left my glasses at his house.

Rookie mistake.

My second therapy session was in five hours so I decided to go home and deal with not being able to see in the morning.

After another draining session, I texted him and went back over to retrieve my glasses the next day.

We hugged and started watching TV as his phone rang.

He ignored it.

His phone rang again.

He ignored it, again.

Looking around he finally said, “So, that’s my girlfriend and I have to answer it. I… don’t think us doing this again is a good idea right now.”

Clearly.

I agreed, thanked him for keeping my glasses safe, and we departed each other with a smile.

Clarity.

With 20/20 vision driving back home, I felt thankful for how this chapter finally ended. While therapy and work kept me busy, the loom of a pandemic reared its head and was about to change my life, and life, as I knew it.