After months of hoping we’d get back together, I realized I was absolutely pathetic.

Vibe Ride. Walk the dog. Make an awful meal consisting of shrimp. Cry myself to sleep. Wake up. Work.

Repeat.

I was ready for some hoes. More so, ready for a singular hoe. I desperately wanted to like someone again.

I prayed that God would send someone to help me move on. I wasn’t intentional because I definitely wasn’t ready to be a girlfriend. But, I was clear enough that God knew I needed a man to assist me out of this awful space I was in.

I wanted something casual. But, casual is something I’ve never been able to do. I love hard and I’ve never been single. I’ve always had a prospect, and this is the first time in my life I didn’t.

Still hungover from the night before, I got up and headed to a birthday pool party.

I had zero intentions of meeting anyone that day.

On the way, I told my friend how exhausted I was from crying over my ex.

I was finally ready to move on.

We walked up and saw a group of guys I’d never seen before. I sat down and one guy immediately caught my eye.

Light skin, locs, glasses, beard.

Why haven’t I seen him before?

He was charming and that smile of his was beautiful.

He wanted to get in the pool, but didn’t want to get his locs wet. My friend yelled, “Jas knows how to retwist locs. She can put your hair up!”

He took his shirt off and his Africa necklace bounced off his chest.

I tied his locs up and he got in the pool. We ended up chatting, but I’d been out the game for so long, I couldn’t tell if he was flirting or just being nice.

A few hours later, we were watching the guys play beer pong. I was sucking on a Ring Pop® while he was competing. He lost, and told me to sit by him.

Him: “So, how are you going to help me feel better after this loss?”

Me: “Uh, what did you have in mind?”

Him: “I was thinking, we could go back to my place. I make fire jerk wings. We can drink some wine and get to know each other.”

What is happening?

Him: “But, let’s finish this bottle of champagne.”

He pours the champagne and takes a sip. Then, I take a sip.

Him: “Put your Ring Pop® in here, so I can finish this cup and we can leave.”

I took that ring off so fast.

Dropped it in the champagne and watched it fizzle. He finished the cup, sent me his address, and told me to meet at his house in 30 minutes.

I walked to my car and sat for a second, in disbelief.

I don’t even like jerk wings.

But, this is what I prayed for and I wasn’t about to miss out on God’s promises for my life.

I drove to his place and he walked me to his door. We conversed, had red wine, and kissed like we were soulmates. I headed back over two days later, blasting Trey Songz’s “Wonder Woman”.

We mutually agreed to keep things casual.

He cooked amazing meals and I would bring over bottles of Apothic wine.

Courteous, comical, calming, and charismatic. After awhile, I really enjoyed his company and conversation.

He made me so nervous; in a good way. Any time we hugged, I got butterflies. Every time he smiled at me, my heart melted. When I slept over, he made sure I was comfortable.

The night I knew I was in too deep, he was shaving in his boxers and asked me to hold his locs up. He was everything I like. And I was overwhelmed by the thought of what he was becoming to me… in my head.

He mentioned wanting to sing Toni Braxton at karaoke because of his raspy voice. He started singing as I played songs off iTunes.

Who do you think I am?

Don't you know that he was my man?

But I chose to let him go

So why do you act like I still care about him?

We belted at the top of our lungs as we drank wine, laughed, and suggested what songs to play next. For hours, we sang as a duet until we fell asleep.

Oh, sh*t.

I like him for real.

And I knew I was breaking the rules. I knew I was doing the opposite of casual.

It’s his 30th birthday, and we’d been hanging out for three months now. I planned on taking him to dinner and getting him a gift.

“No! No, Jas. That is not your man!”, my friends proclaimed.

But, I got him a gift and took him out to dinner anyways.

We went to the cutest spot in downtown Decatur, The Pinewood, that specializes in whiskey cocktails; his favorite. Ordered drinks, then walked across the street to Ted’s for dinner.

Me: “It’s his birthday! Two shots of Maker's Mark.”

We’re laughing. We’re eating. I’m drunk.

He drives us home and I’m restless.

Me: “What… are we doing? What is this? I really like you.”

I needed to know. I liked him more and more every day and casual wasn’t enough for me anymore.

Him: “I’m only messing with you. I like spending time with you. But, I still want to keep things casual.”

Of course.

He asked me my thoughts and I didn’t say much. It was a sense of relief since I knew in my heart this wasn’t going anywhere.

A couple weeks later, I turned 31 and he catered food for my party the Saturday before. I waited until 5pm to ask him why he didn’t wish me Happy Birthday yet.

He forgot.

Claimed he thought it was the 20th; it’s the 19th.

We saw each other a couple times after that then, nothing. Things naturally faded away.

Those four months changed my life, though. And it slightly allowed me to move on from a life I was desperately holding on to.

Until I accidentally moved across the street from my ex.

truly yours,

jasmine